Upon my return from paradise the post vacation blues we’re at an all time spike. It was great to be back in the comforts of my home & job but something was missing. Everyday I woke up and went through the motions but my head was in the clouds. I went out with friends, got back into my Workout Routine, and found solstice in my guilty pleasures but I couldn’t stop thinking about leaving on the planes flying above my car as I passed Long Beach Municipal Airport everyday. What was this feeling and why did I always have such a strong desire to travel? Was I trying to escape my life?
I was overcome with guilt that I was having these feelings so I continued trying to exhaust myself with fitness only to find myself wide awake for over 24 hours at a time unable to sleep late at night, haunted by these fantasies.
I live in a 19- story high rise building on the sand in Long Beach, I have a great job with clients who appreciate me that I adore, and can’t complain much about my life aside from the fact that it just didn’t feel complete and I wasn’t going anywhere.
Going to dinners with groups today, is almost painful sitting there on our phones posting about being at dinner but not really being present enjoying the company we keep. Everywhere I go I felt a disconnect with people, all my conversations were generic and casual about work, relationships, social media. Friends at dinner posting every entree and puppy dog licking face filter on Snap Chat as I dodged the flower crown on the screen as they turned it towards my face. Me working my ass off in the gym being proud to showcase my hard earned muscle and progress is frowned upon because someone isn’t happy with my butt cheeks showing but yet staring at yourself all day with fake eye colors, and hair and thirsty little emojis is totally normal…Talk about narcism and false confidence. How could everybody be so consumed by these things I would consider an actual waste of lives precious moments. Suddenly I couldn’t remember the last time I had an intimate conversation with someone where we were just talking about life, destinations, dreams, goals, aspirations. I was itching for substance. Something with a deeper meaning, sincerely connecting over similar interests or dislikes, talking about something, anything with excitement or passion. Everywhere people moving day to day like zombies, going through the motions waiting for something to spark them back to life. Watching in lust thru their phone screens at other people living their lives on vacation, shopping sprees, and glamorous filters. Nobody was doing anything terrifying anymore, once in a while someone goes sky-diving, hiking to a really tall beautiful view where they dangle their feet off the ledge and post the same picture with a different angle or filter to make it their own, but that’s about as risky as we get these days. Taking risks for the sake of a good post.
My girlfriend and I drove out to Venice Beach in search of a day adventure, some light physical activity, tanning our pale butt cheeks, buying knick-knacks and eating some authentic Los Angeles foods. We met an Australian with an accent and a pony tail with the body of a Greek God. Climbed ropes and saw a man get stung by a sting ray & while we tried to decide which Lifeguard had the nicest body we laid out and worked on our pasty skin tone. Later she paid for a tarot card reading that basically told her what any Pinterest quote could’ve told her, to stop thinking so much and to follow her heart more. Ending our blissful day watching the sunset as we made our way back thru the heavy local Venice Beach rush hour traffic we were talking about our dreams of living abroad, and how amazing a simpler way of life could be…as we made our way through the intersection of Jefferson Way & Lincoln Blvd I saw a black car in the corner of my eye turning straight into us. I swerved left in hopes of dodging the Jeep as I slammed on the breaks all I could hear was a huge crash as I was swallowed into a thick cloud of smoke. All I could see was white smoke, and in the background my friend from already outside the car yelling at me to get out as I brushed the shattered glass off my hands and legs. Paralyzed by the loud ringing in my ear I pried my door open as onlookers rushed towards me asking if I was hurt.
What the fuck just happened?
Im not a very religious person but I do believe in divine intervention. I believe that when someone doesn’t acknowledge the signs all pointing in one direction the universe will shift to flip their world upside down until they get the bigger picture. Most would have got the insurance check, started looking for a car and get on with their lives. Unfortunately for me I was secretly excited at this new possibility. . . no car payment, no insurance, no serious ties or commitments keeping me here. So one afternoon while comparing used car prices online I thought to myself, what if you don’t buy a car but just pack your shit in two bags and take off? It was just a thought… at first. Then as the days went on this thought boiled into a deeper desire which grew into a manifestation of these thoughts turning into action. I took inventory of my life, the things I needed, didn’t need, how much money I had saved up, and what was left here for me to stay for. In spite of all the people and clients I love in my life, there was nothing I was experiencing here that scared me the slightest bit. Right now more than ever, I want and need that. Job security, circle of influences, day to day routines are great and though I’m sure I’ll have to get “back to reality” one day and maybe rejoin society in our rigid ways of life but until then one suitcase is packed, one to go. Officially started my last week as a trainer today, bittersweet but exciting to say the least.
Once we got the morning going, I felt a sense of pride as the tears welled up behind my eyes. I wasn’t leaving in the middle of their lowest points, after all the holiday slip ups and falling off the wagon. We’ve been working our butts off(literally) for the past 9 months and all of them definitely made transformations mentally &physically. I wasn’t failing them as a coach because we had learned everything we needed to learn from each other. As parents, professionals, and clients each one of them taught me a bit of wisdom and life that I don’t get as a result of having no parents to guide me and for that I’m forever grateful and do believe no encounter is by chance. Although I helped them transform their body and minds, they impacted me to strive to be a better woman in the way they cared for the people in their lives and the way they overcame their own obstacles.
Finishing this week without any tears is probably unrealistic but they will be tears of joy. Like a proud parent on graduation day I feel I’m walking away from my kids leaving them well educated and prepared for the storm called life ahead. By staying true to my wildest dreams I’m actually doing them more benefit. Living through action. I hope to have inspired them to live beyond their routines and comfort zones, to set a goal that seems impossible and to go after it relentlessly without worry of where it will lead them but to open the possibilities.